I miss you. Every fucking single day. Time passes by, but nothing seems to change. You're still my first thought when I wake up in the morning, and the last one before I fall asleep at night. And I hate myself for that. I hate myself for thinking about you and missing you, when I shouldn't. After everything that happened, I just wish I could forget you.

But it's like if you're impregnated under my skin and no matter how hard I wash it and scrub it, it just doesn't go away.

Sometimes I have the bad luck of encountering someone wearing your cologne on the street, when entering a store or during my commute to work. It's sudden, like if you had just passed by me. And it's awful, 'cause a simple smell can bring everything up and hurts a fucking lot. After all, you can't put your arms around a scent, you can't touch a memory.

I wonder what else I should do to get rid of this feeling, as I've already been through all the steps that normal people take. I threw your things in the bin, I unfriended you on Facebook not to see you online, I put a filter on your family/friends profiles not to see when they tag you on something, I deleted our pictures to resist going there to look at them every now and then. I also changed my routine to break the patterns that reminded me of you constantly. I started to watch new TV shows, to listen to different songs, to go to different places. I did absolutely everything I could to move on.

But in the end, I still wanna text you about all that. I still wanna talk to you and tell you how good that episode was, how that meme of plain burgers on 9gag was so you, how that new song I listened to on Spotify was so us. There's nothing on my wall, but I still see your pictures hanged when I look at it. There's nothing yours here, but I still see your toothbrush in the bathroom. You're miles away, but I still see you sitting on my couch. You're not here...but you're fucking everywhere.

And apart from that, there's all the talk. I still talk about you a lot. To my friends, to my mom, to strangers...because you're my reference for everything that I've lived during the past years. Trips, places I've been to, things I've done, experiences I had, everything. It's involuntary, but it annoys me so fucking much to hear your name coming out of my mouth without notice. Like 'why can't I just stop mentioning him?' I know that during this time you were all I had and that's why it's so difficult to detach, but after so many months separated...and you still are? It's like if I had placed you in each part of my life, even in the ones you weren't present. And now I just can't manage to find a way to get you out of there.

Once, you told me that even if we were put in a completely dark tunnel, blindfolded and facing different ends, you felt we would still manage to find each other. That was how strong our connection was. And it scares the shit out of me to think that this could be true, that I'm fated to carry all this and that no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, this feeling, this connection, will never go away.


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